the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
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Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
No selfies while hijacking a train.
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well