It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
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Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
Very good! 👍😂
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.