*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
Good Flirts: I鈥檓 enjoying getting to know you and don鈥檛 want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I鈥檓 trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993鈥檚 Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it鈥檚 like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Santa: hey I’m 馃幎coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”