Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
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“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please