Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
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[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Nasa is launching a satellite to say sorry to the aliens.
They’re calling it the Apollo G.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.