“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
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her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on