What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
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I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Just so funny
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
every college guy’s fridge