Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
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Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
ok like just. call me at this point
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
lmao
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…