If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
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The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years