These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
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Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
This chloroform smells expensiv…
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”