dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.