Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
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when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.