[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
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Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess