Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
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Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
When someone trying to leave me
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.