wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
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When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
cats when you pet them too long:
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time