ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
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[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
My background check bounced.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)