[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
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What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no