is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
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Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
The news
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
getting corrected
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.