(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
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“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔