Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
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I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
classic mixup
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant