There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
You Might Also Like
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well