My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
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The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor