<—- homeless romantic
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CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
this is 10/10 content no notes
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change