Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
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me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?