I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!