It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
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If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
had to share :’)
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo