A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
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CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
This could be us… but you playing
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Birds & Planes.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.