Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
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oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.