Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
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After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
“Hello this is your captain speaking. I have fallen out of the plane yikes lol. Very impressed with the range on this Bluetooth headset tho”
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week