RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
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young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
eggs benadryl
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
WHY would you be happy about this?
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.