The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Help Wanted
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.