I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
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I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Been trying to get cash from my local ATM for a week but it keeps saying “insufficient funds.” You’d think they’d have refilled it by now.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful