I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
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I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Just a friendly reminder!
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.