Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
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Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.