I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
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[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
I got bills
They’re multiplying
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.