*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
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When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch