A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
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Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
A choir of Spring onions
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART