OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
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I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.