Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
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Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
Me: I can’t get this star on top of the Christmas tree without a ladder, without dumping it over & ruining it.
Whiskey: Yes you can.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.