If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
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Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
What’s it like to work in customer service/retail?
Imagine there’s a race of people called customers.
Now imagine you’re a huge racist.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Ferrari squats
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?