me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad