Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
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If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
im 7 sauces long
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy