If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
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[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Lucky for them, they’re cute
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her: