Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
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My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”
It was a penguin.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
felt that
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Art by Pastelkatto
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
The glory of fall.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it