“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
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Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.