7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
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Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
I unironically love this joke.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Lmfaoooooo
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”