“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
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Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what