I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
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I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
Damn he played himself
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.