*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
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How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Sweet. Free refrigerators!