When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
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What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Stonehinge
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.